I really love this article and have come back to read it multiple times
My question is: if someone is used to using zero sum on us, how do we tactfully move the relationship to win-win dynamics? There's the part where we have the honest conversations about what's not working for us, which I got - but if the other person has a strong worldview of zero sum, is it possible to change the way the relationship is?
I am thinking specifically of an older member of my spouse's family here where I'm stuck in this zero sum thinking.
Hmm, great question; the specific approach and range of improvements you can expect really depends on the context, but here’s one way to think about it:
First, does the person with the zero-sum worldview lean more passive/self-sacrificing or more aggressive/exploitative?
The way I’d approach the former would be to try to recognize and affirm the other person’s needs even when the person is downplaying or minimizing them, show the person you value them independent of (perhaps even in spite of) their bending over backwards for you, etc.
Whereas with the more aggressive/exploitative type of person, my #1 priority would be to set very clear, concrete boundaries (e.g., “You need to refrain from X and Y behaviors or we’ll hang up the call / ask you to leave”). Ideally you do this while also expressing what you value about them + providing clear paths to re)engagement once they can show they respect your boundaries (e.g., “I’d love to have you over for dinner again and pick your brain on [shared interest X] as long as we refrain from [namecalling / behavior Y].”
Does either of these (or some mix of both!) describe the situation you’re talking about?
Thank you Gena for a great essay! I like this new framing and how it places the responsibility on both people to strive to build the relationship for mutual benefit.
Nicely articulated, Gena. I liked your choice of image as well. Instead of fighting over the cake, they go back to the kitchen and bake together. Working with different teams and functions, we'd also like to identify synergies: 1+1 = 3, in addition to building together for win-win. More than the sum of our parts, always felt inspiring and team-building. Thanks
I really love this article and have come back to read it multiple times
My question is: if someone is used to using zero sum on us, how do we tactfully move the relationship to win-win dynamics? There's the part where we have the honest conversations about what's not working for us, which I got - but if the other person has a strong worldview of zero sum, is it possible to change the way the relationship is?
I am thinking specifically of an older member of my spouse's family here where I'm stuck in this zero sum thinking.
Thanks so much- that means a lot!
Hmm, great question; the specific approach and range of improvements you can expect really depends on the context, but here’s one way to think about it:
First, does the person with the zero-sum worldview lean more passive/self-sacrificing or more aggressive/exploitative?
The way I’d approach the former would be to try to recognize and affirm the other person’s needs even when the person is downplaying or minimizing them, show the person you value them independent of (perhaps even in spite of) their bending over backwards for you, etc.
Whereas with the more aggressive/exploitative type of person, my #1 priority would be to set very clear, concrete boundaries (e.g., “You need to refrain from X and Y behaviors or we’ll hang up the call / ask you to leave”). Ideally you do this while also expressing what you value about them + providing clear paths to re)engagement once they can show they respect your boundaries (e.g., “I’d love to have you over for dinner again and pick your brain on [shared interest X] as long as we refrain from [namecalling / behavior Y].”
Does either of these (or some mix of both!) describe the situation you’re talking about?
Thank you Gena for a great essay! I like this new framing and how it places the responsibility on both people to strive to build the relationship for mutual benefit.
Thanks, Jeremy- so glad it resonates, and would love to hear if/how it ends up being helpful!
Nicely articulated, Gena. I liked your choice of image as well. Instead of fighting over the cake, they go back to the kitchen and bake together. Working with different teams and functions, we'd also like to identify synergies: 1+1 = 3, in addition to building together for win-win. More than the sum of our parts, always felt inspiring and team-building. Thanks